You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
