I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
