I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
