dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
