Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
The best revenge is premature balding
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
