Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
