I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
