nutella sex= disaster
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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