I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
