you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize