ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
