I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
