Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
