I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
