dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
