I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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