So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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