I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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