Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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