I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
how does that bad decision feel?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
