He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
