yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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