I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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