Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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