There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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