If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
