she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
