so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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