just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
