'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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