Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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