Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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