the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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