Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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