I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The best revenge is premature balding
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
