So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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