Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
