So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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