guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
