She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
it's like iHOP with fire
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize