hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize