I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
