Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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