my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
