Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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