He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
