She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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