I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
