I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
