so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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