So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize