Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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