Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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