I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
