This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
