she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
