And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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