I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
