I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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